Why am I finding this out now!
by Sponges Fan
Summary: You would think that finding out secrets would either be humorous or serious business. Sadly, for Ichigo, it does have to be one of the extremes, doesn't it? An unintentional parody of all those "secret" fics out there, while being one itself.


**A.N Hello! This is Crazed Fangirl, half of the Sponge Duo, here to introduce the revised and...edited *winces* version of my first story. *waves* For the record, it was an honest attempt. Then I read it over, and realized that if I changed it, just a tad, I could update the second category from General to Parody, and, well, that's a difficult opportunity to give up!**

**Finally, this was written before some cough** revelations (especially about the maturity level of Ichigo), so, you know...take it for the humor.

:)

Ichigo slings Zangetsu over his shoulder as the hollow turns to glittering dust behind him, and turns to the couple behind him. They are a man and a woman, he in a business suit, she in a more casual skirt and top. He raises an eyebrow and sighs, guessing that they know each other, from the way that she smacks him over the head as he stutters and gapes. You just don't do that to random strangers.

Ichigo shakes his head slightly. "Hey there. Hey. Hey. Hey!"

Successfully gaining their attention, he continues. "You know, you two have to pass on."

"W-w-w-what do you mean, pass on?" The man stutters, and Ichigo is strangely reminded of the ghost Rukia had konsoed when they first met. Ah, Rukia. He starts to smile, before catching himself and schooling his face into a neutral expression. The woman in front of him punches the man on the shoulder lightly. "Baka!" She says fondly. "He means go to the other side, heaven, the good place!" She turns to Ichigo, who is looking on in mild interest. "Er, right?"

"Yeah, heaven." Ichigo rolls his eyes. "I've been there, being a substitute shinigami and all, and it isn't all cloudy and heavenly and all that crap. But it is good enough. I mean, the _sake _alone is enough to make me go back!"

The man picks himself up and starts dusting himself off, possibly because he heard the word sake. The woman, however, just looks stunned. "But you're too young to drink!"

"Naw ma'am, I'm actually 23, although I look only 15." A smirk crawls onto his face. "We age slower then normal humans, or don't age at all. Although, really, teens can by beer out of vending machines, so I'm...getting off topic. Now, I should perform the konso, before more hollows show up."

"Wait, vend-"

"Hollows?" asked the man, this time, and Ichigo has the strangest feeling he wants to get away from the topic of alcohol.

"The monster that attacked you. They are called hollows because they have lost their hearts. By cutting them with my zanpakuto, Zangetsu, I purify them. And now I should perform Konso, before I'm late for dinner."

Ichigo takes Zangetsu off his back, turning the bottom towards the couple, who are standing side by side. The man smiles nervously at the dinner comment, or maybe it's a nervous "Please don't hurt me" gesture. Whatever. Ichigo is just about to touch it to the man's forehead, when…

"Ichigo? Can you hear me now?"

Ichigo turns sharply, totally missing the man's head.

"Kon?"

The couple look confused at the two nearly identical guys. Ichigo's body has aged, and looks 23, while he still has the spirit of a 15 year old(harr harr). Kon has a phone up to his ear, and is talking into it. It is Rukia's phone, he notices. Oh yeah, Kon promised to make it less obvious that he is talking to "thin air". Huh. How did that happen again...

"Ichigo, after you perform your duty, I need to talk to you about your dad. Did you know that he knows all about Shinigami? Because I did…"

Ichigo turns, slams the hilt of his sword onto both of the Plus's foreheads, then turns towards Kon again, who still has the phone to his ear. Ichigo has just one thing to say.

"WWWWHHHAAT!"

He accompanies this with a much confused facial expression.

Kon snickers. "Yeah, your dad has known all about shinigami."

Ichigo looks at him, not really absorbing it…_at all_. But when he hears laughter…his dad's laughter…on the phone Kon is holding, he resigns himself to believing it now, screaming about how 'I DON'T BELIEVE IT' later. Kon puts the phone on the ground, and Ichigo enters his body. He drops for a second, and then jumps up, grabbing the phone.

"DAD! What is the meaning of this! Why didn't you tell me, when did you find out.." He splutters for a second, until Isshin starts to speak.

"A long, long time ago, I died. I became a shinigami, became a captain, met your mother, she became my vice-captain, we married, we came here for an important mission, we both lost our powers, resigned ourselves to our fate, we had you, she died, you became a shinigami, and I regained my powers. I defeated your mothers killer."

Ichigo blinked. "You defeated the Grand Fisher?"

"Yes."

Ichigo breathed out. "You were a captain?"

"Yep!"

"…"

"Oh, did I forget to mention your mothers maiden name…I think Kisuke mentioned you met her niece and nephew…"

"Who in soul society can I be related to? How old are you, anyway?"

"Over one hundred-"

(Wait, what?)

"-but that's not the point I was trying to make! Stop distracting me, you infidel son! As I was saying, your mothers maiden name was Shiba. Her niece was Kuukaku, and her nephew Ganju, if I remember correctly" 'what I went over with Urahara.' He says the last part in his mind.

"…"

"What! You mean that I am related to the ugly freak and the one armed fire _maniac_, and didn't know about it!"

"Yep!" Urahara said, popping up to meddle in other people's business.

Ichigo jumps up in the air, the phone clattering on the pavement and shutting, effectively ending the call. Ichigo turns around and punches him right in the face. Urahara backs off, rubbing his nose.

"You punch just like Hiyori. Ahh, I miss when she was my vice-captain…"

Ichigo makes a face that can be best described as a capital "d" in the roman alphabet, followed by a capital "x" from the same. "Huh? I mean, I knew you were a captain, but…were they all…" He drifts away as he puts together the possibilities and Urahara lowers his hat, surprised at the young man's intelligence.

"Yep, the visords were all captains and vice captains. But I'll leave it to you to find out the ranks…"

Ichigo stares at him as he brings out from behind his back…another laughing phone.

"What the hell! Why am I only finding this stuff out today!"

Suddenly, Rukia walks up behind him, grabs him none-to-gently by the wrist, and starts to drag him off as Urahara waves his fan cutely. When they get to the apartment that they are renting, Rukia drags Ichigo to the couch, pushs him on, and says "I'm pregnant-I've been for about three months. Oh, and Kenpachi called. He wants to fight you. But you aren't going anywhere."

"WHY AM I ONLY FINDING THIS OUT NOW!"

:P I feel so much better with this as a parody. I mean, it may not be good humor, but it's better then if it was serious...trust me. -_-;;;;

PLEASE REVIEW! Think of it as...a Birthday present! *mumbles to self* 'Yeah...birthday present' *gigglesnicker*

~~~~ =^.,^=


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